March 27, 2009

Innocently Me

a friend asked me what was wrong. and i told her that "i am trying to remember how to be me." as if i forgot and i'm now retracking my steps to obtain, once again, pure and zenith innocence.
how do i "be" me?..
how does someone become the person they "are" ..minus pop culture, the taintedness of business and worry and minus the pride and evil of a fallen human society?
is it even possible?


i was watching pan's labryinth (good flick) and when it was finished decided to watch some behind the scenes footage so i clicked on commentary from the director. i can't remember excatly what he said, but he was describing a part of an early scene and said that a child has a pure and perfect personality; basically zenith innocence. a child is untouched by worries and doubts and fears, unaffected by media and propaganda and unmoved by what's "cool" and "popular" and "acceptable." a child is 100% themselves.. and they don't even know it, hence, pure innocence.
i wish i could say that for the 22 years i've spent on this earth that i have been untouched and uneffected and unmoved by these things, but that would be a lie. i have allowed these to mold me and shape me and honestly i just want to figure out what is "me" and what's not; what is god-given and what isn't.
adam and eve were both innocently themselves. this is the place i want to be. this is what i long for. what i see myself doing, the "real" self, i don't do and i end up doing the things i hate and never wanted to do. i feel more like adam when, after sinning, he hids from god, probably not even sure why he's hiding; but he is. he's doing what he never thought he would do.
in this time in my life i feel like i am god and adam, in this story. i am hiding and at the same time calling out asking where i am. this always happens to me. i go missing, but then eventually i end up letting my figs leaves go which may consist of a combination of pride, fustration, "coolness", ungodly imitaion, anger, restlessness, discontent, worry and lonliness. that's a bunch of leaves; a bunch of leaves that i cover myself with as i hide. i, like adam (although our situations are extremely different), reminisce and remember what life was like being perfectly innocent and unmoved by worldly ditractions and temptations to be and act like someone we aren't. adam was tempted to be like god.. i'm not sure what my temptation is yet..

all i know is i'm tired of hiding and i'm tired of not being truly me..
god grant me the grace to be perfectly and innocently who you made me to be